SK

12:28 pm: Gah!
I'm an idiot.
Given enough time I reckon I can spoil anything.
Anyone feel the need to get pissed off with someone?
Then I'm your man.
If I haven't just ruined the best thing I ever had by being an over zealous, emotional blackhole then I'll be very surprised.
I don't deserve her.

11:49 am: What the hell's wrong with me?
I'm on a proper low right now.
I don't want comments on this or anything, I just need to write it somewhere.
I don't remember when I last felt this low.
And it's one of those I can't understand.
Sometimes I'll be down about something and that'll make some sense, even though it's always a complete over-reaction to the situation.
But at the moment there are so many good things in my life that I can't understand why I would be down.
My music is going really well.
Well enough for me to think that something might finally happen.
I have found someone so special that thinking about her makes me want to do some kind of silly girly curl up and scream thing.
My job, as boring and unfulfilling as it is isn't a pain at the moment, and since it's only a stop gap I'm not so bothered about it.
So what the hell's wrong?
I don't think it's the steroids.
Maybe it is.
I don't know.
But the steroids never affected me this bad last time.
Nor the time before that or the time before that.
Maybe I've just been stressing about stuff and the meds have tipped me over the edge.
I think I'll make an appointment to see my doctor.
He's cool.
I might see about getting some time to myself though.
Maybe I need to go away.
I find if I remove myself from everything for a while I soon realise what's actually wrong.
Or what the major factors are.
I start to miss the things that aren't a problem and forget about the things that are.
Systematic emotional cleansing; that's what I need.

12:10 pm: Aw, for fucks sake!
Just got a phone call from my specialist.
My bloods came back all over the place.
He's going to put me on steroids again.
Fucking shit wank bollocks piss arse bastard!
I fucking hate steroids.
They make me fat.
They make me depressed.
They make me want to puke half the time.
Whatever idiot thought they'd be a good remedy for any ailment needs a good shoeing.
I wish I was well.
It never used to bother me, the whole diet and drugs thing, but now that I'm going to be on steroids again it just compounds everything.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

09:29 am: Dear Liza.
I hate feeling like this.
It's like there's a tiny hole in my bucket and although I can fill it right to the top with water it doesn't take long for it drain away.
And the tap is so far away and the bucket is so heavy.
I wish it was all different.
She makes me so happy when I'm with her but then I never feel so low as when I've just left her.
It's going to take a long time to get enough water to make this flower.

10:14 am: I hate subjects...
I had decided that since I was going to be at home this weekend rather than, well, away, I would have a quiet weekend; just chill out, spend some time with my little girl, maybe crack open a bottle of wine at the end of the day and generally just do as little as humanly possible so as to wind down a bit.
Turns out that I now have to go to the birthday party of an idiot I don't like tonight, gotta take my little girl to a rehearsal tomorrow for a dance show she's part of and sit around waiting because parents aren't allowed to watch until the show itself, take my gran to Luton Airport at stupid o'clock on Sunday morning and go back to the studio to re-master some tracks that our new (and soon to be replaced) engineer has made a complete hash of.
It's almost a good thing that my plans fell through otherwise I'd be dead on my feet come Monday morning.
Still, I'd much rather that my plans hadn't fallen through.
Being dead on my feeet on Monday would have been very much worth it.

09:14 am: Ho, hum.
After yesterday's jovial outlook, today I am mostly feeling shitty.
Funny how things can change so quickly.
But I have a bag of Brazil nuts, so it's not all bad.

09:15 am: La la laaaaa
I'm in such a good mood.
It's 9:15, on a Wednesday in September, I'm at work, and I'm in a good mood.
How did that happen?
I'm sure it won't last long.
I know why I'm in a good mood; the last 45 minutes or so before I went to bed last night.

On a slightly different topic, I need a new picture, because the splattery Union Jack is a bit shit.
Anyone got any ideas?

04:04 pm: Just mulling things over.
Don't you just hate it when you upset the people you most enjoy talking to and being (associated) with.
I'm really good at it, as it happens.
I don't mean to.
I try my best to be really nice to people because people are the most important things to any of us.
Maybe it's an honesty thing.
Sometimes a little honesty can go a long way and the longer it goes the thinner it stretches and then it just snaps and you're left holding one end and the person you love is left holding the other.

But having said all that, people are sometimes the most difficult things in our lives.
We try our best to be social creatures only to find that our appetite for such interaction draws those events to a close sooner than we'd hoped.

My brain is a bit of a minefield I guess.

With some people it doesn't matter, with others it does.
There are people I want to be happy with the way I am, only the more important it is for them to be happy with you the easier it is to make them unhappy.

We can all have or be complications I suppose.
In some instances it's that we don't want people who are complications and in others it's that we don't want to be a complication to those we love.
And sometimes we need those complications to remind us just how important we are to each other.

Love is the key.

10:53 am: Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I'm such a Joey sometimes.

I make an arse face of a post on here and the only person who reads it is the only person whose opinion I care about right now.

Oddly enough they're the only person who will read this too because they're my only "friend" so how I can consider this to be anything other than a very thinly veiled apology, I don't know.

As if I wasn't down enough over just about everything else in my life I have to go fuck up the one thing that cheers me up.

Well done, Ross.
A+++